New HR Policies

The New HR Policies
PleaseBe Advised That There Are NEW RULES And Regulations Implemented To Raise TheEfficiency Of Our Firm.
 
Transportation:
It Is Advised That You Come To Work Driving A Car According To Your Salary.
* If We See You Driving A Honda, We Assume You Are Doing Well Financially And Therefore You Do Not Need A Raise.
* If You Drive A 10 Year Old Car Or Use Public Transportation, We Assume YouMust Have Lots Of Savings Therefore You Do Not Need A Raise.
* If You Drive A Pickup, You Are Right Where You Need To Be And Therefore YouDo Not Need A Raise.
 
Annual Leave:
Each Employee Will Receive 52 Annual Leave Days A Year They Are Called Sunday.
 
Lunch Break
* Skinny People Get 30 Minutes For Lunch As They Need To Eat More So That TheyCan Look Healthy.
* Normal Size People Get 15 Minutes For Lunch To Get A Balanced Meal ToMaintain Their Average Figure.
* Fat People Get 5 Minutes For Lunch, Because That's All The Time Needed ToDrink A Slim Fast And Take Diet Pill.
 
Sick Days
We Will No Longer Accept A Doctor Medical Certificate As Proof Of Sickness. IfYou Are Able To Go To The Doctor, You Are Able To Come To Work.
 
Toilet Use
Entirely Too Much Time Is Being Spent In The Toilets.
* There Is Now A Strict 3-Minute Time Limit In The Cubicles. At The End OfThree Minutes, An Alarm Will Sound,The Toilet Paper Roll Will Retract, The Door Will Open And A Picture Will BeTaken.
* After Your Second Offence, Your Picture Will Be Posted On The CompanyBulletin Board Under The "Chronic Offenders" Category.
* Subsequent Pictures Will Be Sold At public Auctions To Raise Money To PayYour Salary.
 
Surgery
As Long As You Are An Employee Here, You Need All Your Organs. You Should NotConsider Removing Anything. We Hired You Intact. To Have Something RemovedConstitutes A Breach Of Employment.
 
Internet Usage
All Personal Internet Usage Will Be Recorded And Charges Will Be Deducted>From Your Bonus (If Any) And If We Decide Not To Give You Any, Charges WillBe Deducted From Your Salary. (Note: $ 5 Per Minute As We Have 4MB connection).Just For The Record. 73% Of The Staff Will Not Be Entitled To Any Salary ForThe Next 3 Months As Their Internet Charges Have Exceeded Their 3 MonthsSalary.
 
ThankYou For Your Loyalty To Our Company.  We Are Here To Provide A PositiveEmployment Experience.
 
Therefore,All Questions, Comments, Concerns, Complaints, Frustrations, Irritations,Aggravations, Insinuations, Allegations, Accusations,Contemplation,Consternation And Input Should Be Directed Elsewhere.

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