This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands
who spent two years in Hyderabad.
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring
to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They
are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life
outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you
do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The
hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road,
unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is
also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in
chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and
proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional
fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the
intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate
yourself except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are
not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to
cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the
back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when
traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some
minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but
then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We
horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust
(two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of
the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them
during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or
waiting for the rainwaters to recede when over ground traffic meets
underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated
bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at
breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty,
often meeting with success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a
rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an
external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and
creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or
passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified
fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and
packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery
are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are
pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions
with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course,
the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn
Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed
to irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like
an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and
travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough
for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road;
they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them
and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers
hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and
the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but
obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so
many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer
clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest
in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and
proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you
cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in
reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound
hypercritical; I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving
in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed
breaker"; two for each house.
This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that
residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the
corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for
year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for
those with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like
playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the
drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns
out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just
pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon
passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do
not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in
the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol)
he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to
little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India,
and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful
beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super
motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually
the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all
this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks
are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal.
(And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater
threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next
to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn.
The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your
lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The
citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our
constitution.
Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related
deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!? ?
-
